Today we’d like to introduce you to DeShawna Brown.
Hi DeShawna, we’re thrilled to have a chance to learn your story today. So, before we get into specifics, maybe you can briefly walk us through how you got to where you are today.
My name is DeShawna D. Brown, I am 24 years old, and I am from Baltimore, Maryland. I come from a 2-parent home with a younger (half) sister. My parents got married when I was 6 years old and divorced when I was about 15 years old. Both of my parents are CDL drivers and have worked for the MTA since 2003. I went to both Baltimore City and County schools. I graduated from Catonsville High School, graduated from Bowie State University with my BSW, and I currently attend Morgan State University receiving my MSW. I was initiated into the Zeta Delta Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., in 2021. I am also a certified phlebotomist and licensed bartender. In the 2022-2023 school year, I taught at Lansdowne Middle School and taught Special Ed to 7th graders. I am a Behavioral Counselor for youth in Maryland. I intern at the University of Maryland Medical Center at the Center for Infant Studies. Upon graduation, I aspire to become a Clinically Licensed Social Worker and own a food business, before becoming a traveling motivational speaker.
I had a very chaotic upbringing. Growing up in my household, I witnessed and experienced domestic violence, sexual assault, underage drinking, foster care, humiliation, abuse, and pre-adulthood sooner than an average adolescent. Both of my parents were addicted to substances; my mother popped pills, smoked crack, and drank alcohol and my father is an alcoholic. I had to learn how to be an adult and give orders sooner than when I was ready.
I was in the 5th grade at Westchester Elementary School (in Baltimore County before transferring and going to Matthew A. Henson Elementary School #29 in Baltimore City) and we lived off Bentalou St and North Ave. If you don’t know, the entire North Ave is a drug strip. I was taught to say no to drugs, yet my mother was out there using them. I remember coming downstairs and there was nothing but blue and white pills all in the living room. I was so confused because I’ve never seen this before and I didn’t know where my parents were. In the meantime, I had to get my sister ready for school, make sure we both ate, call my dad to tell him we needed to get to school, and wait for my Pop-Pop to pick us up in his Hummer. I recall my sister and I walking out of the house, when my mother was approaching the house and looked like a zombie. Her lips were crusty, she had cotton mouth, big eyes with dilated pupils, slurred speech, and smelled foul. I was in disbelief and on my way to school. That day, I had to travel with that memory engrained in my head, and that is why I deem myself as perseverant and resilient.
Middle school shaped me as a person. In middle school, I watched my parents fight often. I have been scared walking in on my mom passed out from drugs. I have an abusive father and I often heard my father degrade women and hurt us. I watched my father hawk spit on my mother’s face, and she stayed with him. That hurt me so badly and I was traumatized. I didn’t understand why she let him do that to her, and to us. When my mom went away to drive tractor-trailers and to recover from her addiction, my father was arrested for child abuse. My father told me to drink soap due to an incident that happened in school and since I didn’t drink the soapy water, he backhanded me in my face and made me bleed. He said that if I wanted to leave, I could leave without delay. I called a relative to pick me up, but that was the phone call that changed my life. Instead of picking me up, they called the police, CPS took me to the hospital and investigated, and there I was in the foster care system at 12 years old. I was in the system for about 5 months, and I went to 2 homes. The first home was hard, however the second one was smoother, and it was balanced. I was in the 7th grade and got to go home a few weeks before I started 8th grade.
8th grade, was explorative for me because this was when I began experimenting with marijuana, alcohol, and sex. At the time when I lost my virginity, my dad came up to my school, walked around with me, and told all my peers that I was a “hoe” and a “slut”; he humiliated me. On the backend, my father gave me alcoholic beverages and hid in weird places within our home, with the intent to see me undressed. On the night before my 8th-grade graduation, my father had gotten upset about something I did and slung me around my bedroom by my hair and gutted me in the stomach. The very next day at graduation, my 2 friends and I were scheduled to sing “I Can’t Give Up Now” by Mary Mary, and we did just that. As I cried the night before, no one had known what happened to me yet heard my lovely voice as I went on a solo moment that was not planned but moved the crowd. My former teachers are still shocked to this day about that, but they laugh and make jokes about that moment, so I know they enjoyed it.
Times were hard, but going to school was my coping mechanism to help bring me peace and joy. It was my escape from home, and I learned to love school. During those times and as I got older, I started to feel like my mother chose when she wanted to deal with me and would throw me onto my father who sexualized me when he got drunk and lowered my self-esteem. I started to feel abandoned, and my dad made me feel like an object. When he gets drunk, he says the most hurtful things and I never understood that about him and why women allowed it. I started to feel like I didn’t want to be around him because he hurt me so much, but he’s my dad and I love him. I love my mom too, but they made me feel alone and they enabled each other. I still had to be a big sister and lead my sister, go to school get good grades, and have respect for myself and my parents. It was a lot and took a huge toll on my self-esteem and my trust, respect for others, and my relationships with others.
At 19 years old, my mother encouraged me to find my own place as I had been living back and forth between her house and my dad’s. During the pandemic, my mother got into a bad accident that changed our lives forever. I was 20 years old when I was renting a room in the village on Allendale and my mother got into an accident that killed someone on the side of 695 and injured another. That accident resulted in my mother having a broken neck and left her partially handicapped. I had to move back home with my mother who just 2 days prior asked me to move back home, and I told her how much I enjoyed my freedom. My mother was in bad shape due to that accident and shortly after coming home from the hospital and Kernan, my mother relapsed from her prescribed medications.
One night, I experienced a bad energetic feeling within my body and in my home. I called my mother, and she didn’t pick up. I went upstairs to talk with my neighbor and out of nowhere, I envisioned my mother walking across the room and said, “My mother….” He said, “What about her?” I said “I don’t know. She just popped into my head for some reason.” The next day, I called her again and this time it went straight to voicemail which was not normal because she never called back. I knew something was off when she didn’t call me back sooner, but I really tuned in when she never picked up. My mother was fascinated with butterflies within her lifetime and always wanted her grandchildren to call her that. As I was showering, a white butterfly flew into my view and stayed there flying by itself which made me think about her.
I told myself “I’m going to go check on Mommy when I get off.” I went to work and meditated with my client and once that part was over, I had already made my mind up that I was not coming back to work. For about 5 months she was dealing with her mental illness, the consequences of her actions, feeling lonely and isolated, and when I came home one day, I found her dead in her Lazy Boy recliner.
My dad, sister, grandparents, my god-family, some relatives, my friends, and my line sisters helped me during this time of my life. It was like my biggest fear came true and I was there to see it all go down. I was glad to have been there with her during those times even though they broke me because I was there until the end and that’s what I’m most happy about when I think about her death.
All of these paths in my life have led me to where I am and I am appreciative of my journey. My past pains, my village, and situations inspired me to the point where I want to give back to others because I have come a long way from where I used to be. I am definitely not the DeShawna that I was 5 years ago. I have evolved and I continue to evolve.
I chose Social Work because I’ve always been a helping hand to others. During the time that my mother was getting high, I knew that she needed help however, I didn’t know what kind of help. Experiencing the depths of both of my parents made me realize that we needed help as a collective. Watching my mother’s life change over the years has taught me a lot about life and even after her death, I learned more about her.
My dad has no space in my life as of today. Being a child of a parent who has mental illness and addiction is no easy ride. My journey through life has taught me grace, patience, resilience, perseverance, accountability, respect, and a lot about drugs and addictions, peer pressure, and what it’s like to hit rock bottom and still get back up. My parents inspired me to be the woman that I am today. Without them, there would be no DeShawna. I encourage others to keep going!
We all face challenges, but looking back, would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
A smooth road was hard for me to come by. I delve into school as my escape. I had to build up my self-esteem and return to that little girl who had to grow up fast. I had to learn how to take things slow and not be so fast to react. It has been difficult because I am used to working from a place of survival and control that could seem like pure selfishness. I used to freak out when things didn’t go as planned because I often felt let down by my parents. I worried often because my parents scared me a lot, causing me to worry and develop anxiety. They were violent and toxic. For me to let go of the toxic behaviors that I had grown accustomed to, I had to let go of people who influenced and enabled the behaviors. As an adult, I had to heal myself, understand and forgive the past, and choose happiness primarily.
Once my mother died, some relatives spread lies calling me a murderer; my ex left me the day after her funeral, and my dad made inappropriate comments to me. I was just ready to let the past go and start fresh. I broke the family curse though. My (maternal) grandmother didn’t finish high school but she had my mother at 15 and died of an overdose at 36 when my mom was 21. My mom graduated high school and was 18 when she had me, and overdosed when she was 40 (a week directly after her birthday) and I was 21. I am 24 now with no children and will be graduating from graduate school in 2024.
I miss my mom and dad a lot. They hurt me, and I must still get up and be an adult, and it’s not easy. Redirecting myself and my habits has helped me to grow, but I will never forget where I come from. I am learning to just be a better version of myself and accept my flaws. Forgiving myself for what I allowed in the past. Forgiving the dead is what I call it and I think I’ll be doing it for a while so that’s why I encourage therapy. I’m growing every day, and I am only getting and going to continue to get better. I am my only challenge right now. I’m the only person who can get in my way.
As you know, we’re big fans of you and your work. For our readers who might not be as familiar what can you tell them about what you do?
At Morgan State University, I am an Advanced Standing Student studying Social Work, which is also considered the helping profession. My specialization is in Public Health. After graduation, I plan to become a Clinically Licensed Social Worker for the State of Maryland and other states in the U.S. As an intern with the University of Maryland Medical System, we deal with the community a lot. As a Behavioral Counselor, I do community engagement and provide Telehealth services to youth in Maryland through a PRP organization. I chose Public Health because earlier in the year, I did a community service initiative with colleagues at Howard University. The organization is called Sunga Sunga Minority Rights Advocates. The community service initiative was based in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic on the Bateyes. A Bateye is a sugarcane plantation where modern-day slaves cultivate sugar for Dominos Sugar. My experience of seeing the families living on plantations and seeing how they don’t have things that I use daily and sometimes take for granted made me want to advocate for basic human rights. Visiting and supplying items to families on the Bateyes encouraged me to be more mindful of the things that I take for granted and to appreciate the challenging work of others.
How can people work with you, collaborate with you, or support you?
I’d love to mentor youth and speak at events to help motivate others because my life’s experiences are a testimony of my strength. The world needs love and a story to aid in better decision-making processes. I like to speak aloud and get a crowd moving.
Contact Info:
Image Credits
VisionByBailey & MarQ Photos
